We have a brand new, dripping wet series to welcome here to BMBR, as guest writer Barrie (Mojo) Morgan brings us in-depth, step-by-step analyses of the trailers of Bad Movies, providing all you may ever need to know about the guts of a Bad Movie without actually having to stick you head up it’s anus to see for yourself.
First up is a bafflingly explosive Lundren-o-thon called Sweepers. Once you’ve been suitably abused by its trailer, don’t forget to check out the full review.
trailer trash – sweepers
Whoever said video-game to movie adaptations never work has clearly never seen Sweepers, a 1998 re-telling of the epic story-driven masterpiece Minesweeper for Windows 3.1. People said it’d be impossible to capture such a rich narrative on screen. Dolph Lundgren has something to say about that.
Wait…my editor has just intervened. What? This isn’t a film based on the video-game Minesweeper??? Wise up, of course it is….roll VT.
0:00 – FUCKING HUGE EXPLOSIONS!!! NO CONTEXT. IMMEDIATE ACTION IN YOUR STUPID (AND NOW ENTHUSIASTIC) FACE. WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?? WHY DID THAT TRUCK JUST FALL LIKE A HUGE FUCKING STONE?? WHO CARES!! YAY, EXPLOSIONS!!!!!
0:08 – Gratuitous slow mo. Either that or Dolph’s had a stroke but we all know Dolph doesn’t have strokes…Dolph gives strokes.
0:10 – A land mine explodes 4 feet before some kid gets near it. I assume that’s Dolph’s love interest but it’s hard to tell. Either way, his lack of proximity to the mine bares no relevance as he explodes into lots of glorious little dead pieces.
0:17 – Interesting schematic of some kind of thing. Looks like an alien. Probably a landmine. Or an alien landmine. Those guys, eh?
0:31 – Dolph lowers a helium-filled blade that he seems to be using every ounce of his strength to help…push…slowly…with great effort…to the ground.
0:44 – Man with books behind him, which probably symbolise his importance, gets told by attractive lady what the point of the movie is. Nobody is any the wiser.
1:00 – Crocodile Dolphdee.
BEST BIT: 1:01 to 1:09 – This 8 seconds of unbridled greatness is by far the best section of the entire trailer and requires absolutely no description. Feel free to re-watch over and over. I know I did.
1:20 – Indiana Dolph.
1:40 – Dolph McQueen.
1:52 – Genuinely impressive bridge explosions which probably ruin the end of the film, followed by the Sweepers title.
Annnnnddd relax. Jesus, I need a lie down.
It’s hard not to feel a certain level of love for this trailer. It starts with a bang and builds from there. There are explosions, helicopters, choppy editing, bad acting, more explosions, a love interest, Dolph in a hat, dolph not in a hat, some more fucking explosions and the list goes on and on. Oh, and landmines for some reason?!? Forget about the landmines though. It’s a trailer done right. The editing is frantic, there are highs, there are lows and most importantly of all…there is Dolph.
Don’t forget to check out the full review here, and also check back regularly for more Trailer Trash from the man Mojo!