The movie continues with Raed gracing us with even more acoustic paroxysms, as various audio tracks of Raed’s garbled rapping and an epileptic drum machine try to kick the shit out of each other.
I feel like I should apologise to my own ears
But we’ve no time to try and pick up the pieces of this auditory car accident, as the assassin is closing in on Raed (who has figured out where he lives by looking at his photographs.)
Excuse yourself, you fakin slob
But Raed doesn’t notice the sleeping ball of well-armed grease parked right in front of his house…
…mostly due to him being too busy reading ‘Famous’ magazine and angrily questioning why Jay-Z is more successful than him.
The assassin finally wakes up, does nothing, says “fakin”, then drives away.
Then something happens that is so dreadful it’s difficult to describe. Listen closely to see if you can hear what I mean. You might need headphones.
Threatening people with shark attacks isn’t very nice, Raed
I probably should have warned you that as well as Raed pretending to be on the other end of a phone call by standing in the same room and talking, he also includes some more of his drumloop collection being fired through a laser gun. Sorry if you now squint to hear things properly.
Raed, now trying to get ahead with life, barges into the office of the evil record label owners, and force feeds a man Tic-Tacs. Yes…he does do this.
You can tell that these guys mean business though, as there is a remote control toy helicopter sitting on a filing cabinet.
Back outside, Raed has stolen some dramatic orchestral music from a proper film so he can wander around in public whilst being followed by Sweatsy. During this, you can clearly make out (for a change) a group of people who shout “Woohoo! They’re filming!”, and then walk right through the shot and scream directly at the camera. And no, this wasn’t edited out.
There’s breaking the fourth wall, and then there’s not knowing it exists
My God man.
You edited this movie yourself.
What then follows can be best described as the WORST photography ever put to film, as the cameraman, who is walking backwards, points at everything except the thing he’s supposed to be filming, whilst random bystanders take every opportunity to completely ruin the shot.
Again – final cut of the film.
Raed then complains to himself that a “fakin moron” placed the sign on a fairground ride upside down…
…even though it literally just appeared in his own film the correct way up 30 seconds ago.
Besides, the owner of that ride could have built it out of balsa wood and wishes and you would still have absolutely no right whatsoever criticising him for how he performs his job. At least he created something other people enjoy, you fakin dumbass.
Oh, and just in case you thought that assassination scene was going somewhere, it doesn’t. Instead we cut to Raed brooding with one of the reluctant cast members, who clearly has been fed enough Rohypnol to say the following line without laughing.
“People think you’re crazy, and I know you’re not. You’re one of the best I’ve seen in my time.”
To which Raed responds by saying,
“People always call me an Arab freak. Everywhere I go people call me freak this and freak that.”
Well I didn’t call you a freak. I called you fakin dumbass, so can we be friends?
Wait a second Raed. You had multiple people – in a film that you made, using a script that you wrote – call you a freak, you fucking idiot. Make your mind up about what you want to get all broody about you man-child.
You TOLD him to say that, Raed
Despite Raed’s buddy promising to provide him with his big chance at a gig, Raed proceeds to go on somewhat of a rant, during which he lambastes how the government tried to keep him forcibly medicated for 17 days.
God damn it Raed, did this shit actually happen or not?
Because if it did happen, putting it in a movie about your own life for people to see and hear is fucking weird. But if it didn’t happen, putting it in a movie about your own life for people to see and hear IS JUST AS FUCKING WEIRD.
After meeting up with Raed’s girlfriend, who is remarkably chill for being used as a human shield a few days ago, Raed heads downtown where…
…what the fuck?
Sweatsy is now on a roof in a busy downtown area…with an assault rifle, and I wonder how much permission was given for Raed to bring automatic weapons into downtown Melbourne?
Despite him having a clear shot that lasts for minutes on end, Sweaty forgets to pull the trigger, packs up his machine gun, drives away, and is never seen again in the film.
We are then made to watch a scene in which for absolutely no reason whatsoever, Raed’s girlfriend is first verbally, and then sexually assaulted, and also fired from her job. Raed witnesses this taking place by peeking through a window, but true to character, does nothing about it.
Well done Raed.
Eventually this leads to the one and only action scene in the movie, which Raed has enhanced with some freshly discovered visual effects!
Check it out!
The climax of the film occurs, as Raed temporarily holds the evil boss of the evil record label hostage. He doesn’t harm him or do anything meaningful, though. Instead, he just paces the room and confuses himself and everyone else…
…not least of which with the following brain-bendingly retarded dialogue,
“You fucked up. They fucked up. Someone fucked up. I didn’t fuck up. It doesn’t matter who fucked up. We’re going to fix this. We’re going to do it Kenedigans way.”
“What the fuck is Kenedigans way?”
“Kenedigans way man. It doesn’t matter what the fuck it is, it’s for real.”
Then out of absolutely nowhere, Raed puts his bank details on the screen again, this time set to the sound of exploding fireworks.
It’s one way to make a living, I guess
So, with Raed having finally gained his revenge (?) he goes outside where, for no reason whatsoever, there is an assembled group of reporters who ask him random Raed-isms – and out of everything that happens in this insane film, the scene that steals the paper crown and spins around screaming the loudest is this one. Hands down.
It’s so bizarre I can’t properly describe it. Not only does each reporter ask their questions twice, but the things Raed says back to them are so not of this earth that you can clearly see everyone frowning with confused concern at the lunatic in their presence.
There’s something about saving troops at a military base by sending them video tapes. There’s stuff about why his family are angry with him. There’s a question confirming one of his songs is named after a police woman. And then there’s also a non-sequitur so powerful it could blow up a casino.
“Is it true that you are affiliated with the terrorism?”
“No, I’m not gay.”
At one point during the nonsense, he is asked to confirm if he was drugged by the government, which he does. But the reporter then asks the 31 billion dollar question…“Why?”
But of course there is no logical answer to this, so instead of pretending to have one, he blathers something about “assuming too soon, assuming too soon” and then in front of everyone, breaks into more improvised rap-mumbling.
You want to know why the government drugged him? He just showed you
I’ve never seen anything like it.
Yes, I understand that it was just a way for Raed to feel important by having a bunch of fake news media ask him things, but it’s such a window into Raed’s confused narcissism that I actually felt queezy when trying to apply logic to it.
Things eventually end when the good record label people find Raed and promise him a six figure music deal, allowing Raed to perform for all his ‘friends’ in the foyer of a shitty bar.
The credits finally roll, as Raed closes out his film with one last attempt to part you with your hard earned gold.
Raed eventually closes off his gibberish credit sequence with the following copyright reminder…
…even though he released the film for free.
What the fuck did I just see?
I have no idea how to even process the abject terribleness, and pain-inducing insanity of this film, not to mention of Raed himself. The entire movie is shit beyond any words I’ve ever been taught, mostly down to the fact that Raed himself so fucking side-ways.
Okay, I know I haven’t been kind to the guy, but he did create and release this movie all by himself (like a big boy), and he did fill it full of a thousand reasons for me to point and laugh, so what can he or anyone else expect? The guy really is that fascinatingly out of his mind.
But if anyone needs proof as to R.A.E…tothemotherfucking…D’s meth-fueled dementia but doesn’t want to sit through two hours of head-spinning lunacy, then look no further than some of his music…
- Gmae Over (His spelling, not mine)
- Fuck With My Brains and Retaliation Comes at Ya
- Mandellah Swell Fellah
That last song is particularly interesting, as he kept the metronome in it…and it has nothing to do with Nelson Mandela.
I would probably also have recommended his production company website, but I’ve never seen it as the domain has expired – despite him still advertising it on Facebook.
All of the events in Still Flowin occur inside Raed’s head, but he pointed a camera at them, so now they’re also inside mine. His psyche is laid uncomfortably bare for all to see, and when it’s not hugely hilarious, it’s upsettingly depressing. This is a man after all, who thought that almost being killed by an anti-terrorism squad was the best way to promote his music career. Let that sink in.
There is however, something accidentally endearing about him. He has a boyish enthusiasm that I’m sure would be infectious to be around, and despite people like me pouring scorn all over everything he takes pride in, he still continues to do what he loves, regardless. That takes strength and determination, and a lot of it.
He’s a really big, good looking, Forest Gump, who goes on wonderful adventures within his own mind, yet is absolutely insistent that we all join him, which is almost forgivably adorable.
If he were anyone other than a rapper, with his ego-maniacal swagger and incessant references toward himself, he may indeed be forgiven for his ambition in the face of his own ineptitude, and might actually be genuinely likeable. But when someone thinks that scaring the shit out of thousands of people just to childishly demand attention for himself is an okay thing to do, then that tends to hint towards self-obsessed narcissism, rather than ambitious naivety.
And so too it is with Still Flowin, which amounts to an attempt at highlighting the prior failings of Raed’s life, but in the most unintentionally embarrassing way that he could think of.
It’s all very odd behaviour, but he seems to wear his strangeness as a badge of honour, as evidenced by claiming that he doesn’t like being called a freak, whilst still insisting that people do. I guess it’s the only way to reconcile the quite often nasty things that are said about him. I know, that’s rich coming from me, but I do sort of like the guy and it’s difficult not to be at least a little envious of his determination, if not his methods and ability.
Still Flowin: The Movie was unintentionally entertaining beyond words, and I now consider myself a life-long fan of R.A.E.D. After all, he truly is a fantastic entertainer, if not in the way he thinks.
But when all is said and done, I wouldn’t have him, or the things he does, be any different. Raed is a fascinating example of ambitious delusion, and the wonderful nonsense that such people can create. Therefore, Raed Melki should be encouraged and supported in whatever brainless scheme he comes up with, he’s too special not to.
Yeah okay, fine. I’ll admit that, despite it all, I kind of love the guy.
I’ve got your back, Raed.
If you ever need a lend of a few bucks, don’t be shy asking…