I have a very grand statement to make.
Are you sitting down?
‘Still Flowin: The Movie’ is the worst film I have ever seen.
-shocked gasps and fainting-
Yes, it’s true. This film is the absolute worst movie that I ever thought I would see, and I am someone who has watched Deafula.
I never thought that this day would come, but here it is.
Still Flowin isn’t just the most terrible movie imaginable, however. It’s also a window into the unique mind of it’s creator, one Mr Raed Melki.
Buckle your fucking seat belt kids.
Raed Melki is a human being from Australia, at least as far as I can tell. However, he is also rapper from an alternate reality, and a rather prolific one at that – with Raed himself constantly reminding anyone who will listen that he has ‘produced’ in excess of 120 songs.
Would you like to hear one?
I’ll assume that you have superglued your ear drums back together and are ready to ask “what the fuck does that man have to do with films?”
Well, the person who produced that noise also made a movie – To be specific, he wrote, produced, directed, edited, and starred in a movie that is over 2 hours long, in which he plays himself. Yup. It’s the vanity project to end all vanity projects.
He was also in charge of the film’s music production and sound design. Kind of an important detail.
Instead of being a normal film, Still Flowin is a revenge movie an insane man created to get back at invisible demons that he himself created. No really – The entire film is 2 hours worth of Raed attempting to not only rewrite his own bizarre history, but also to get back at those he believes are preventing him from becoming a famous rap artist.
Well, let’s cover one particular incident of Raed’s past, just to set the mood. And no, I am not making up one word of what you are about to read.
How to Raed: A Beginners Guide
Back in 2001, when Read Melki was just taking the training wheels off of his career ambitions (and in between being a drug dealer), he hand-delivered a mysterious box full of CD’s and video tapes to one of the biggest music producers in Australia – One Mr Michael Gudinski of Mushroom records, in an attempt to become signed to his label. However, the contents of Raed’s rap-hamper terrified Mr Gudinski enough for him to place a restraining order on him.
Yes, Raed’s enthusiasm was a bit on the stalkery side, but I guess you could chalk this one particular incident up to delusional ambition, or something.
But what happened afterwards is a tad less forgivable.
You see, when a national newspaper detailed his bizarre antics and accused Raed of being a stalker…
…he decided now was the time to crank up the mental. Specifically, he (no shit) phoned in a bomb threat to the biggest casino in Australia – which I should point out is one of the largest gambling complexes on earth, and has thousands of employees and customers on site at any given moment.
As you do.
The security services took an interest, funnily enough, and whilst on the phone with police negotiators Raed graced them with a THREE HOUR impromptu rap performance.
Nope. Not joking.
The police, presumably realising that anyone who raps like Raed could never be mentally capable of tying their own shoelaces together, never mind wiring up explosives, realised that the whole thing was a hugely retarded hoax, and decided to put a stop to Raed’s blisteringly stupid cries for attention.
But instead of thanking him for a private three hour phone-call rendition of 31 Billion Dollars Would Be Cool, or at the very least seeing the funny side, the police showed up at his house, placed a gun to Raed’s head, forcibly sedated him, and commited him to a psychiatric ward.
So yeah, Raed’s a bit sideways when it comes to self-promotion, and most things. In fact, the entirety of Still Flowin is a partially fictionalised version of things that have occurred both in the real world, and inside his own head.
Think of it as unhinged gangsta wish-fulfilment.
Did you hear something?
I should point out that you have two choices when it comes to Still Flowin’: The Movie. Either have absolutely no idea what is happening throughout the film, or go deaf. You CANNOT have it both ways. Raed’s subtle audio mixing has made sure of this, with dialogue that sits comfortably behind whatever happened to be driving or flying past the camera whilst they were filming.
Want to know what on earth any of the idiots in this film are actually discussing? By all means, go ahead and turn up the volume and attempt to match up the white-noise hiss with your best attempts at lip-reading, but be very prepared to have your unsuspecting eardrums blown out your asshole and out into space whenever Raed inserts one of his keyboard stabs into the film, which is all the time.
And you’ve all heard of keyboard stabs, right? Well bring your keyboard stab-vest because Raed’s bizarre Casio-spasms will kill you long before you’ve gone completely deaf, which also features as an unintended consequence of watching Still Don’t Understand What an Audio Limiter is: The Movie.
But before I proceed with this review and completely destroy the one thing that this man loves more than anything (himself) I should maybe make peace with Raed Melki, just in case.
Should Raed ever read this (I hope he doesn’t), and is offended (I’m fairly certain he would be) I wouldn’t hesitate to apologise (I apologise) for calling him a blistering retard, and I hope he can see the funny side. Enough that he doesn’t go out of his way to travel across the planet to kick my head in, or start again with the bomb threats.
So, now that I feel better about being mean to someone with very obvious mental issues, let’s take a look at the unforgettable Still Flowin: The Movie.
Let me raed you a story
Still Flowin: The Movie screams out of the gates with a frantic and fast-paced two minutes of completely blank screen.
Are you fucking kidding?
You uploaded this film to YouTube yourself, Raed. How is it possible to fuck up it up so badly before it’s even started?
What eventually follows is a bunch of appallingly spelt screen-text of Raed…begging for gold.
Then the noises begin, most of which are accompanied by Raed’s ‘rapping’, with the first example mostly sounding like your mother drunkenly singing herself to sleep three feet from the entrance to her own house. We are also told that what we are about to see is based on a ‘true story’, which is bizarrely both factually accurate and a barrel-load of shit.
Oh, and your drunk mother is cradling her broken door bell
The first proper scene shows Raed worrying over his financial debts and utility bills, like a gangsta, whilst an office full of evil business people are plotting Raed’s downfall. Apparently Raed “knows too much”, and could end their careers. How, is never explained, but it would seem that not only is this enough to constitute a plot, it’s also Raed’s way of getting back at real-life people who think he’s a dangerous lunatic.
But they aren’t all evil it would seem, as the only woman present declares Raed to be…
“…a sexy freak.”
The first “fakin” of the movie is spoken (it’s set in Australia, don’t forget) underneath some windy hiss by a policeman who is at Raed’s house, with Raed saying “Wada ye rekon?” to every question.
Mr Wadinskli (who you you might notice shares a coincidentally similar name to the real life record label owner) has placed a restraining order on Raed (again, this is all based on real events according to Raed), hence the presence of the policeman. This results in the following gibberish argument, as neither of them can properly pronounce the name of the character that the restraining order is from.
“Not Micheal Wadinskli…”
It’s fucking hilarious, but only because one of the people having this unintentionally stupid, and completely ad-libbed argument is the person that wrote the actual script.
Cut to a different music producer guy who is having mini orgasms at the rap-filled answer phone message Raed has left him (fun fact: Raed leaves rap-filled answer phone messages to music producers in real life). For some reason he decides that Raed must be signed at all costs, and so sends a plucky team of assholes to track him down. Seems like bad business sense to me (having heard his music), but this guy clearly knows his shit as his walls are adorned with proof of his past clients.
Meanwhile, assorted homeboys are homeboying…
…and Raed arrives in his rent-a-car and attempts to bully his way into asking one of his friends for a favour. It’s hard to make out, but I think his friend says no, so HISS, hiss, HISS, hiss, hissss..hisss
Shortly after, Raed engages in some best-friend banter and gentle shoving, with Raed telling his best buddy about how much he is struggling with being a rapper – And I am struck by how even here, within a fictional world that he himself created, Raed is still trying to convince other people that he isn’t a dickhead.
At least that’s what I think he’s doing. It’s hard to be sure as the audio was recorded using the camera’s microphone, therefore they picked up the wind, the passing cars and the crowd, as well all whatever blathering crap Raed is saying. But as if that wasn’t bad enough, Raed decideds to place another keyboard aneurysm on top of the dialogue, and…BOOM goes the eardrums, with yet another example of how turning up the volume to try and hear what is happening results in a temporary disability.
Cut to a repulsive fat bastard…
…who is angrily devouring a burger whilst talking on the phone. He appears to be trying to shout above the movie to make himself heard, but it doesn’t work. Instead he attempts to cause a car crash, says “fakin”, then drives away.
Meanwhile, in yet more best-friend banter, Raed’s side-kick is considering becoming an interior decorator in either America or Turkey, because “that’s where the action is.” So, Raed attempts to convince him to stay in Melbourne because (and I quote)…
“If you go to Brunswick you have Arabs. If you go to Chinatown you’ve got Chinatown. If you go to sunshine you have India.”
What. The fuck. Are you on?
Next we see that one of the evil record label people is hiring the services of Mr Sweatsy from earlier, who we learn is an assassin as well as a disgusting slob, and Raed is (no shit) described as “…a cunt”.
We still aren’t given a reason why these people hate Raed enough to have him killed, so I’ll just assume that his music is so fucking dreadful that leaving him alive is out of the question.
To ensure that Raed is silenced forever, Evil-Man is willing to pay Sweatsy a fairly staggering $600,000. But I’m not convinced they have thought this through as he instructs him to..
“…do it right. Don’t stuff it up this time. Like you did last time.”
Why on earth are you paying $600,000 to a man who fucked up the last time you hired him to kill someone? Wouldn’t that money be better spend by just giving Raed some giant gold chains, and waiting for him to drown the next time he takes a bath?
Raed, oblivious to how much he is hated by the music industry, has taken his friend to a ‘house party’ where everyone takes cocaine backwards.
But the drugs certainly seem to work regardless, as this unsuspecting actress is not only genuinely wasted, but is also trying to wrap her head around the foreign language Raed is using as a script.
One of the guests begins mumbling about the Jews, which could be in the traditional anti-Semitic fashion, but I can’t make out the details so – benefit of the doubt. Except the audio then goes completely silent for once, allowing there to be no doubt whatsoever.
“How do you kill two Jews? Throw a penny in-between them.”
Which is followed by another ‘joke’.
“What’s the difference between E.T and an Arab? E.T went home.”
Raed, disgusted by his own script, leaves with one of the girls who later begs Raed to rap for her, causing him to have a high-speed tourrettes meltdown under some soft moonlight. It’s very romantic.
The following morning some complete strangers notice Raed sitting with who I guess is now his girlfriend. These extras seem annoyed at something, but you obviously can’t make out what is being said because…
But Raed’s having none of it, so he gets up and runs away, leaving his girlfriend there by herself to have an argument with a group of strange and very angry men.
Raed’s wonderful adventure
The moody low point of the story begins when Raed’s shitty car breaks down. He lumbers into the middle of the road, somehow surviving, then ventures off into the woods to look at kangeroos.
Now the middle of the night, he wonders through the darkness eventually finding a pair of guys of Aboriginal decent, and the three of them sit around a campfire so Raed can cryptically complain about how hard life is for him.
They keep asking him what’s wrong but he continues being vague and mysterious. Eventually, one of the men recounts what I assume is a very real story (there is no way these people are actors) about how his father was forced into living with a white family, and when he tried to trace his true relatives he realised he no longer shared anything in common with them. Which is reasonably serious, considering it’s probably something that actually happened.
However, Raed responds to this heartfelt admission by…breaking into improvised rapping.
No, I am not joking.
There are things that make you cringe, and then there is this
The two men stare at him as he spouts lyrical gibberish whilst throwing rap shapes with his hands, and I have never felt so embarrassed for two complete strangers before in my life.
The following morning, Raed wanders out of the bushes and returns to his car, which obviously starts first time, and he fucks away off back into town.
As Raed arrives home, things take a turn for the surreal, as Raed begins walking around his living room in circles and chewing his car keys. He’s also mumbling to himself incoherently, and feeding his ramblings through a delay filter.
Are you okay, Raed?
Weird pink epileptic flashes dart across the screen as Raed brings his crazy into his garage, where he begins rifling through his possessions, still angrily mumbling to himself.
Obviously it’s almost impossible to make anything out, but at one point, when he is frantically flicking through a pile of papers, you can begin to hear him say something that made me realise that no…Raed is not okay.
Out of nowhere, Raed begins angrily bemoaning the bipolar and depression diagnosis he was given by doctors, whilst claiming that they have no idea what they are talking about.
Is this for real?
I think so, and I realise that it’s possible I’m am not actually watching a movie, but one man’s desperate attempt at packaging his own emotional, financial, and psychological problems into the most insane cry for help ever known, and holy shit this isn’t funny any more.
Once he’s finished gently destroying his belongings and playing with his favourite delay plugin, he ventures off to exact revenge against the strangers from the previous day.
Once he finds them, he tells everyone to leave so he can pick on the smallest guy there, insisting that he lie on the ground and repeat (and spell) Raed’s name over and over again. This goes on for a while, seeing as this poor child can spell as well as Raed can, and so keeps fucking up his name. Eventually Raed sends him on his way, presumably reassured that he still is who he thinks he is.
With things now as confusing as Raed can make them, he takes his pet delay plugin into a Catholic church and begins a six minute scene of him pacing up and down and hinting at nonsense to a bemused looking priest, who clearly becomes agitated that he has to keep following Raed around because he won’t stand still.
It’s good to see that Raed has taken some of his inner turmoil there for guidance, but then again, one of his songs is called Satanz Got My Back, so maybe he’s just there to stretch his legs.
I’d love to detail some of what is said during this never-ending rubbish but the scene was filmed inside a church, so even though there is none of Raed’s usual hip hop stab-gasm’s, there is yet again no hope whatsoever of hearing any dialogue because everything sounds like it was filmed at the other end of a long plastic tube.
But I’m almost certain that at one point Raed tells the priest that Jesus (no shit) owes him a chocolate donut.
I know it’s hard to make out, but Jesus definitely owes Raed a chocolate donut
Cut to the evil people sitting in their office watching one of Raed’s home videos. In this one he is demanding that the President (Australia has a Prime Minister, not a president) immediately releases someone called Schapelle Corby, who Wikipedia tells me is a real person who was imprisoned in Indonesia for drug smuggling.
It is possible that Raed was referring to the President of Indonisia, and it is also very possible that his home video had the intended effect, because she was eventually released and returned to Australia.
Well done, Raed!
…and then the scene cuts back to the church and CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER SEVEN MINUTES.
Whatever. As long as Schapelle Corby is okay…