There goes the casting budget
Bloyd and his wife go back to bickering with each other, only to be interrupted by the sister from earlier who hilariously slaps Bloyd’s wife to the ground and demands to know where her brother is.
Where’s a slide whistle when you need one?
Bloyd somehow knows exactly what this complete stranger is talking about so he takes her to yet another abandoned building, where he explains the plot of the film to the impatient and confused woman.
During this floppy excuse for exposition, we have it agonisingly explained to us that dwarfs can only turn other dwarfs into vampires, but because there are not enough dwarfs in this part of America they need the sword to blaa…blaa…blaa.
In the middle of this verbal aneurysm Bloyd mumbles this expository gem…
“If you inject vampire blood into a vampire, his blood will ignite, and he will die.”
And there was me thinking that having your blood ignited inside your body would give you +10 resistance to not being a human stack of cow spunk, but what the hell would I know? This movie has indeed re-written whatever vampire rules came into the script-writers head shortly after being decapitated, so maybe I should just shut up and accept it.
Exterior Establishment Montage: The Movie!
Guess what happens next? Some more cutaways of abandoned buildings and countryside! And where does the movie eventually cut back to?
THE SAME FUCKING SCENE WE JUST WATCHED!!!
God damn it.
After an extended gun loading montage, and Bloyd and Luke Skywalker promising not to kill each other, the film cuts to…
…some nightclub montage filler!
To be fair, they seem to be enjoying things as much as I am
After 20 years of booty-shaking and horrible techno, the evil vampires appear and start necking the clientèle. Thankfully, Bloyd and Luke Skywalker show up in slow-mo, say something that is buried underneath the terrible audio mix, and start shooting (and slapping and shoving). And… yet again…the scene has no relevance to anything other than to heighten my temper and give me chest pains.
Cut back to Bloyd’s ‘house’, where one of the vampires goes for Mrs Bloyd’s neck…
…because for him to have eaten another dwarfs ankles would have divided the concept by zero, shut down production for at least three weeks and destroyed the entire universe.
When Bloyd returns home, he finds his wife is a little more crabby than usual…
…and after Bloyd injects the rabid dwarf with blood, he gurgles and dies.
A quick glance at the running time and I am relieved to see that this is almost over. But not before the group of heroes…
…await the arrival of a guy on a (no shit) ultralight helicopter.
No, his character is not in any way explained, at least in any dialogue loud enough to hear, but he does come with a lovely hat, so go him.
Let’s finish this
…even more derelict building montage footage.
Eventually the movie does something, as a big gang of motorcycle riding vampires and the group of hero-people meet up at yet another abandoned factory and begin fighting. I cannot describe to you how staggeringly fucking awful this scene is, so I won’t.
You can come to your own conclusions
Once the vampires are defeated and the heroes have fucked away off (in slow-mo) the film slow-fades to black.
Cut to 9 months later…
Bloyd, who for some reason has waited exactly 9 months (pregnant?), sneaks up on a dwarf and shoots him in the face.
A Learning Experience
I was already aware that there are physiological differences between dwarfs and midgets, but I was a little surprised to learn that midgets (who differ from dwarfs in that they have normal proportions, whereas dwarfs can have shorter limbs etc) apparently abhor the term ‘midget’, instead preferring the term ‘little people’. Which is 100% okay with me, but a bit late considering this is the end of the review. Yes, I’ll put my hands up and admit that I poked more than a little fun at those I shouldn’t, but I’m not the bad guy here, honestly. The true face of evil as far as Ankle Biters is concerned is the fucking degenerate that created it.
But what kind of bottom-feeding slug is responsible for this festering mess? Was it a conglomerate of dwarf-hating film studio executives with gigantism? Or is Ankle Biters yet another example of a vanity-turd painfully squeezed out of one persons self-absorbed rectum? I know which answer I would have preferred, but unfortunately it’s all option ‘B’ here, as yes, Ankle Biters is the product of one man’s utter disregard for decency and self-awareness.
I wonder who it is…
Adam Minarovich is the writer, producer, director, and lead star of Ankle Biters, so if you’re having fun calling me a prick then you’re going to fall off your chair with this piece of shit. Yes, I probably am at least a bit of an asshole, but if you’ve ever wanted to see what a truly monstrous shithead looks like, then here’s his IMDb.
Yup, this is the guy who, as recently as 2002, saw fit to make a movie about disabled vampires and then star in it himself as someone called Drexel Vennis, whose job it is to kill them.
Did he think it would be more acceptable if the disabled actors he intended to exploit were cast as bad-ass killers? I suppose, barely, as it would indeed have been much more abhorrent to produce a film about a normal vampire who preyed on dwarfs. No one would want to see that movie. But then again, no one should want to see this movie either, which further makes me question my own sense of decency, considering how much I paid for it.
There are some grossly primitive ideas about dwarfs and little people out there, and that’s surely fed into Adam Minarovich’s assumption that making a film like this is an okay thing to do. I know, I sound like a hypocritical turd here, but there really are some dumb-ass questions being asked of little people. Don’t take my word for it, look at the Google search suggestions for ‘Can dwarfs…‘ and get ready to either laugh your ass off or frown with moral indignation, depending on where you sit on the shithead scale.
I must admit however, I did learn a lot during the process of watching and reviewing Ankle Biters, not least of which how easy it is for assholes like myself to revert to pointing and laughing at unfortunate people like they are some primitive form of 18th century travelling carnival show entertainment. But I did also become aware of some of the intricacies surrounding a disability, so once I’m done breaking the speed limit at the local drive-thru confessional I might just give myself a pat on the back for being great.
Above all else though, I learned that there are no depths to which certain film-makers will sink to if left to realise their own dreams. And that Adam Minarovich is a dickhead.
Fuck you Adam! Bite my ankle.